I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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