so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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