I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
