apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
