just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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