They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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