Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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