guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
