Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My vagina just clenched in fear
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
