btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
