The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
