Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My bed smells like the plague
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
