They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
