Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
