On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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