Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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