I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
