Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
