I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
