I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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