WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
