I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
