eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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