just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
