My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
