he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
