The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
