What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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