I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
