Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
