in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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