LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize