I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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