I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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