Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
