like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
