im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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