he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
