It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
