Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
please come you make the beer taste better
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
