I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
