He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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