The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
