Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
