Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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