Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
