Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
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