She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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