So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
