Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
