That's when you crack a 10am beer
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
