Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
