so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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