you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
