Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize