I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
