when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
