So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
