I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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