after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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