meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
