What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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