Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
